Has your life started yet? And if so, when do you think of it as having started? And if not, what are you waiting for?
What do I mean by “started?” Well … I don’t really know, exactly, but it’s that indefinable sense that you’re no longer waiting for some sort of official blessing to start living your life. You’re no longer thinking, “I’ll do that as soon as ….” I’ll get my own place, maybe even buy a house and non-IKEA couch, I’ll make a will, I’ll figure out some sort of financial plan besides the savings account at my bank.
Oh, you say. You mean, when did I become an adult? Well, yeah, kind of … but I know a lot of people who are very capable adults – working high-powered jobs, doing their own taxes, cooking and grocery shopping – but they’re still waiting for … something.
For most people, both men and women, I think, marriage has often been the moment when they think of their lives as starting. Now it’s official! I’ll buy a house, I’ll register for nice dishes, I’ll buy a fancy couch, I’ll make a will, I’ll hire a financial advisor. Because that’s what married people do. Becoming a parent is typically the other trigger – the momentum of that, the way parenting hurtles you forward through life whether you’re ready or not, doesn’t leave a lot of time for waiting around.
I know a lot of people who are very capable adults – working high-powered jobs, doing their own taxes, cooking and grocery shopping – but they’re still waiting for … something.
This was all well and good 50 years ago, when the average woman in the United States was married at 20 and the average male at age 23. But now the average marriage age for both genders is closing in on 30, which is kind of a long time to wait to start your life. The age at which people become parents is also trending upward. And more Americans than ever are staying single: In 2017, 45.2% of American adults over the age of 18 were unmarried, compared to only 28% in 1960.
I know a ton of single, childless people in their 30s and 40s. Some of them are still waiting. Maybe they’ve bought a house, but they haven’t really decorated it. (These tend to be guys; they’re waiting for a spouse.) Or they have nice dishes, but not the ones they really want; they’re waiting to register for those.
But others have found there’s another way to know if their life has started: They’ve decided to start it.
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My best friend, J, is a gorgeous woman in her 40s who’s single and childless. She was in a long-term relationship in her 20s that everyone, including her, thought was leading to marriage, but for a variety of reasons, she found herself single at 30.
Around that time, she decided she was done waiting. She bought the dishes she’d always wanted. She started going on big vacations, with friends but also by herself. She bought new furniture. She amped up her retirement contributions. She hired an attorney to make a will. (In case you’re wondering why I keep bringing that up: If you have any assets at all, even just a 401(k) plan through your employer, it’s the kindest thing you can do for your nearest relatives. It costs just a little but saves so much hassle.)
She’s not alone. In 2019, single women made up 20% of home buyers, and that number is continuing to grow. And they’re not only buying homes; they’re doing major renovations, intended to please themselves and only themselves.
Most importantly, they’re no longer waiting to be happy. Writer Shani Silver said in a 2019 article, “I mentally saved so many things ‘until I get married,’ because they were things I thought I should share with someone else … I don’t think I should wait for things that will bring me joy, just because someday I’ll get married, someone might buy me things off my wedding registry, and then I’d have two. I think my present-day happiness matters more than a list of future items to return to Bloomingdale’s. I also had to come around to the idea that my solo apartment isn’t temporary housing. It isn’t where I’ll live ‘until I meet someone,’ it’s just where I live. And I want to make it a place I’m proud of. I can save up for a nice couch, and not worry that it’s too feminine for a man I might move in with someday. I want to look around and love where I am.
“I think there was a fear that if I treated single life as permanent, it would be a self-fulfilling admission. It’s perfectly fine to live a single life fully, with permanence, positivity, and really nice pots. It doesn’t mean I’m admitting to myself that I’m never going to meet someone, instead it means I’m going to enjoy the days before I meet someone just as much as the days after.”
Exactly. So follow the example of all these people, and buy the nice dishes, the ones you’d register for if you were getting married. Or if dishes aren’t your thing, buy whatever is the equivalent for you. Make your home a place you’re happy to live now. Find a financial advisor. Start planning your dream vacation. Don’t wait for someday; start your life now.
Things I Wish I'd Known in My 20s 